When You Act Out, Who Do You Think You're Punishing?

My wife, son and I were lucky to spend a great afternoon taking in a free concert in Boston recently amidst amazing weather, easy parking, and lots of PBS Kids characters (the poor guy in the Curious George suit was a good sport through all of my son's many friendly attacks of excitement to see him).  For the Alison Krause concert that ended the weekend, people almost camped out to save a spot in Copley Square to take in the sounds. Some folks crept into the front to stand, blocking the view of those who spent so much time to get a good spot.  As the show started, people were shouting for those up front to sit down.  Most did, but not all.

There was one guy in particular who stood out, literally. He came in at the last minute, and wasn't right at the front. Instead, he was about 20 feet back, standing along in a sea of sitters. He was blocking the view for literally around 100 people.  Literally.  He just stood there, ignoring people as they asked him (nicely) to sit down. You might think maybe he didn't hear, but he did because he'd occasionally shout out, "Give it a rest!  Why don't you stand up."  Or have this look of disgust on his face.  People got up and went to him to ask nicely for him to sit. He acted like they didn't exist.  Some even gave up their seats in a better spot so he'd move and let so many people enjoy the show. He wasn't having it.


I had the pleasure of being one person away from him. I had a great view...of a sign and some scaffolding. I didn't care. What I cared about was this guy - I was unable to really focus on anything but this guy. His attitude befuddled me. He was smug. No better way to say it.  Smug.

What I learned by watching him was that he actually wasn't enjoying the show at all. He seemed to be wishing for it to end. I don't know if he doesn't like the music (it's not my choice for music, but it's hard not to appreciate how amazing her voice is, or just feel peaceful listening to the sounds), or if he doesn't like people, or what. It was really a family-type event (lots of families and kids), and this 20-something guy being there alone with hundreds of daggers staring at him couldn't have given him a feeling of fitting in.

So why did he stay? Why did he stand?  Why, when he was so miserable, did he keep doing this? Why rob little kids of enjoying the show when they had been patient and waiting for hours after their family got a little plot of the lawn?

Why? Because he had to prove to all those people - those horrible people who just wanted to enjoy their afternoon and were being nice and even offering him better spots - weren't going to beat him. They couldn't win - not on his watch!  He'd show them!  Right.

And by, "Right," I mean, "Wrong. Completely wrong." When you are angry and smug like that, and act out in a childish way by being stubborn, rude and inconsiderate so as to punish all those people out there, you really are just punishing yourself.  See, those people were still listening, smiling, and enjoying themselves. Sure, not as much as if he wasn't being this way, but they were happy. He was hunching his shoulders under the weight of the anger he were holding. He were cringing at your lack of enjoyment of the activity he was forcing himself to endure because he somehow thought that would ruin the day for others.

Why would any human being want to ruin the day for anyone else? What is gained? No, what he didn't understand was that the only punishment was being imposed on himself through the clearly horrible time he was having. Add to that the feeling of so many people that this guy is a bad person. A person who would never help another person. A person who has the capacity to be cruel and nasty when the world has far too much of that already. A person who wants to go into a sweet setting and try to make it sour.

I've had some personal experience in completely the opposite direction. When I ran my third race, I made a point of thanking every police officer I saw that held traffic for us runners; thanking every volunteer who gave out water, took photos or shared a smile; and cheered back at and pumped my fist for to every spectator who came out to watch or cheer us on. And it all made me feel energized and gave me a boost I really needed on a very hot and humid run.

I do the same when biking or running when someone waits for me to go by or let's me pass. I don't want to leave anyone feeling pushed aside or inconvenienced by my enjoyment (or my desire to keep some pace going). I want them to think, "Hmm, that was unexpected and nice." I want them to get even a little spark of a good feeling for their small act of consideration and kindness.  I was behind a woman this afternoon while biking home from work, and she was apparently uncomfortable feeling like she was holding people up.  She kept looking back toward me, and then looking for places she could pull aside.  She looked worried and pressured.  I shouted up to her, "Don't worry - you're doing fine. Enjoy your ride." In that moment, I saw her shoulders drop a bit, like she had sighed a sigh of relief. She turned back and smiled at me, and rode with this happiness and calmness that had been missing since she realized I was behind her.  At the next light, I passed her, and said, "Thanks so much. Have a great day."  She had a big smile, and I'll bet she did enjoy her day. It took so little of me, but did so much to undo the tension she was feeling that she never had to feel.

The message is so simple. When you take your displeasure with a situation and try to make others pay for it, you only magnify the pain inflicted on yourself. When you try to be good to others despite how anyone has been to you, the world turns and you get to enjoy life as you deserve to. The smug, negative, hurtful people who try to infect others with their misery will just keep making things worse for themselves. Be someone who creates positivity and kindness. That is a key step to enlighten.your.body.